Questions from the innocent…

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

She says this with the innocence only a child can. Such a simple question really.

But it isn’t all that easy to answer.


And before I can even stop myself I ask.

“Why? Do you think I do?”

She scrunches her nose up, thinks for a while, before looking me squarely in the eye and saying…


It startles me. How much she observes. That she doesn’t know the power of what she has heard, that to her, it’s just the fact that…

“He calls you in middle of the night.”

It shouldn’t even matter. An insignificant detail. A random time. But when it comes from someone so innocent, it does. I don’t even have the strength to correct her. To tell her.

He called. Called. Called. Called.

And that’s the thing about memories. All they need is a trigger. And now even the most ordinary things become explosions. Feelings.


“There’s no cure for the pain in your heart. It’s one of those things you just have to wait out. And one fine day, you’ll find that it hurts a little less. And a little less. Until it’s just a scar, faded, and you’ve forgotten how it even came to be in the first place.”

A Promise… Forever Ago

When you told him, “Don’t hurt her.”

He said, “I won’t”

And yet now, with every word, that promise made forever ago seems so far away… in a land that she can never reach.

She tries to swim to it, but the tide keeps pulling her deeper, further down. She needs oxygen but from where? That life saver he gave is gone now, hidden away.

He let her fly high, showing her every day that he cared, that she was the one he wanted to tell every little thing to, the face he wanted to wake up to every morning, the last voice he wanted to hear before he fell asleep.

Only to tear her down bit by bit. Taking her energy and her happiness slowly, a bit each day. Words unspoken, yet hanging in the air. Heavy.

When he made that promise, forever ago, little did he know how hard it would be for him to keep. Little did he know that it was too early to make a promise like that, to a girl who was too innocent that all she did was believe, with her heart, that it was true.


4 AM

What happened to those 4 am conversations?

You know which ones I’m talking about.

Every day we’d talk, and we’d just know. We’d know that no matter what happened during the day, we’d always have 4 am. To be alive again. To feel connected.

And now 4 am just means sleep. Sleep again until tomorrow, and go through the motions of life, the habits that have become just that. Habits.

How are you?


How was work?


When did our sentences become one word answers? When did our words start failing to bring the smiles it once used to? When did those instant responses no matter how busy we were become strained to the occasional, if at all?

Did we let go? Maybe.

But every day at 4 am, I remember. I remember that that was our time. That it was something concrete, a salvation, a happy place. And 4 am, even if it means nothing to you now, will mean the world to me.

Because 4 am is the only thing that keeps us grounded.

A Message.

If there was something I could tell him, one last thing I would say, it would be so many things…

Like thanks for taking the leap.

For all the times you made me feel beautiful, and loved…

For the way my heart beat the first time, the feeling of anticipation…

For teaching me that expectations lead to disappointment…

For being the first person I ever let crack that barrier that I kept around me, too scared to take it off and really love for the first time in my life…

Thanks for teaching me that sex and love aren’t the same thing.

That, while you want to believe with all your heart that the physical really is the emotional… sometimes that emotional connection? It only happens one way.

For helping me realize that it wasn’t ever really love, but also that when love happens, it’s gonna be great.

I still want answers. I still want to know what’s going on in your head. I want to ask.

If we didn’t have the physical thing, would you still care enough to stay?

And I want you to know that wherever you are, you were first, and I will always treasure that, despite the way it hurts…

That for me, it was never really about the biological need, the physical urge… but more about sharing something special with someone I found easy to be with.

And that I could easily go back to the way it was… before everything.

It’s just that sometimes, all I want to do is hold your hand.


Warning Signs

I know I’m alright. I know.

I know what the rules are, I know how to play the game. I know.

And when you see me, you’ll know it. Because I can do that. I know I can. I know.

But the thing is, that isn’t really real, because it never is, is it?

Nobody ever said love was easy. There’s a lot of things they don’t tell you.

They don’t tell you how every time your phone lights up, your heart beats just a little bit faster and you let your guard down for just a moment, a moment quick enough to know how much you hope, against all hope that it’s him.

They don’t tell you the crushing disappointment you feel when you’re left hanging.

They don’t tell you how much just a few minutes of time spent is enough, and how every time you are scared to let go, because you scared it’ll all be a dream, or that it’ll all disappear the next day.

They don’t tell you that it doesn’t take a lot of time, that it’s the small things, like the way his hand fits in yours, the way he holds you close, or the way you feel safe and perfect in that moment. A moment you never want to leave…

They don’t tell you all those little details you remember, how that smell just seems to be everywhere, leaving your body aching and your mind boiling with feeling you just can’t confront.

They don’t tell you that sometimes, you don’t have a choice.

It’s all just too fast.

Because, no matter what, under that calm exterior, there’s a storm of confusion, doubt, and yes, truth. Truth that just can’t be faced right now. Truth that is scared to show its ugly head, that is scared of reality, that is dreading the day it must come out. It could possibly ruin everything. It’s so easy to push it away from your mind, and leave it all to the hands of tomorrow, but sooner or later, tomorrow is today. Then tomorrow becomes yesterday and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Next time you ask, how are you?

Ask. Just Ask.

There’s a lot we don’t tell each other. So I’ll look straight into your eyes and say:

I know I’m alright.

And so do you. Because that’s the lie we all want to hear.